Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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