Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Drake has all the answers
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
