The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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