i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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