Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
