I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
