I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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