I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
