i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I need to stop coming to work sober
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
