There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
she smelled like a LAN party
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
