i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
