just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
