Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
