I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
