i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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