I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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