Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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