while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
as a side note pls kill me
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
