it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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