She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
