i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
