The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
dude. I can hear the air.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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