Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
