Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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