I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
of course. lets lasso hookers.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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