Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
