you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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