new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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