It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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