I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
