is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
