The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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