go do what you do best...puke behind churches
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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