There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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