Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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