WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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