I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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