I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
