I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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