So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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