when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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