last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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