How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
