Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
