dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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