I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
