I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
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