go do what you do best...puke behind churches
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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