your parents love me but you hate me
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
