Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
