I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
