I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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