i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize