You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm at about main and main street
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
