shes about as inviting as chlamydia
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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