Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
