I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
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